Don't leave me
by Tristana
Summary: SPOILER CHAP 58 ! One died and the other remains... And ponder... and dream about something he knows he will never have.


Title : Don't leave me...

Author : Me. Tristana. (Dépressive devant l'éternel, as one of my friends called me)

Disclaimer : I do not own Death Note, 'cause if I were, I would have plenty of money and i wouldn't write anything like this. (And I would assist to every Within Temptation's show !) And most certainly would NOT be a university student !

WARNING (loud 'beep-beep' sounds in the background) : SPOILER CHAP 58 !!!!!! If anyone flame me because of that, I most certainly turn them inside out ! And if you don't like angsty stuff, just press the little red thingy a the top of the page. or the back button, whadeva...

(I love songfics, and I have another one - I itch to post it, but I'm afraid it would be just too many DN-songfics, sooooo...) I can't help, Death Note is the kind of manga that stuck perfectly with some of my favourite songs. And you can still pray, 'cause I'm going to try and write some FMA-stuff v. v. soon ! (sadistic laughter)

Now, read, and you'd be very kid to review this... stuff. (Please? I swear I'll be nice.)

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You are gone… Forever… And it's my fault. You knew it was coming, you didn't stop me…

_In this world you tried_

_Not leaving me alone behind_

_There's no other way_

_I prayed to the god let him stay_

_The memories ease the pain inside_

_Now I know why_

You tried to help and I saw the grief I was causing… The pain Kira enjoyed giving to others… But I let him win and now… Now I pray, night or day, anytime my twin leaves me to think, I pray to any god in heaven, every angel and soul of the skies or earth to give you back to me. Kira kills and destroy and I am the first to be hurt… I am responsible for this suffering but I can't help wishing it would have been different if I've told you everything. I remember with fondness your smile when I gave you this strawberry cake… I wanted to kiss you but I didn't dare… At first, I didn't know why the Death Note was such a curse… But now, I know why. A pity I wasn't strong enough.

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent moments imagine you're here_

_All of my memories keep you near_

_Your silent whispers my silent tears_

Sometime, late at night, I can hear your voice whispering. Words of forgiveness I don't deserve, words of a love I destroyed. I wish I can believe it… But I feel madness scratching at the doors of my spirit. I want to let these thoughts in, maybe will they cure me from this heartache. I can nearly feel you by my side, but every time I try to see you, I feel my other half returning, and again, Raito is shut down. And again, I feel myself falling, crying for you. I never cried before and these are the tears that will never fall over anything else. You are the reason I weep.

_You made me promise I tried_

_To find my way back in this life_

_I hope there is a way_

_To give me a sign you're okay_

_Remind me again it's worth it all_

_So I can go on_

I remember this day… Once, my father told me that this is not Kira who is evil, but his power to kill. This power swallowed my mind as easily as you would have swallowed a strawberry. I can't live anymore. If only you could tell me you are alright. I want to join you, as no one can ever return from the land of the dead. I have no will to live anymore. Since Kira took hold of me, you were the only one that kept me from crumbling. I assisted to your death, and even if I first thought my tears were an act, I know they weren't. No one can ever fake such a pain. I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest, as Kira was laughing maniacally. I fear Death more than anything. I am not like you… You feared it, but accepted it, as you were pure-hearted. I don't want to die black as charcoal, tarnished by crimes I primarily didn't want to commit. Is there anything I can do? Please, help me, as you already helped me. Guide me, so that I could stop him…

_Together in all these memories_

_I see your smile_

_All the memories I hold dear_

_Darling I love you till the end of time_

I can see you, alive and smiling. You never smiled much, but I loved you even more when you did. Like a child… You seemed so frail, fragile like crystal. A man-child who didn't have any childhood but trying to pretend he had one. You never was a real child, the awareness of the cruelty of life dawning on you too soon for you to be a normal child. It was ripped from you. I do not pity you, I know you didn't want me to. I just wanted to comfort you, to show you how it feel to be loved. And I destroyed everything because of my weakness… These memories, I hold them close to my heart, deep inside myself. If I must lose everything to stop Kira, I will give anything away, only to keep them. I will never forget you. Never. Pain is attached to me, like you, when we were chained together. May I be caressed by the sharpest knife, threatened by the worst tortures ever or killed in the most painful way, I will never forget. My love for you will always remain untouched, protected from the horror of the outside world. From Kira. For you, for me. The last remaining of my older self, of the lively Raito.

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent moments imagine you're here_

_All of my memories keep you near_

_Your silent whispers my silent tears_

I wish my memories from the Death Note never returned, I wish I've never touched it again. Because these weeks, months, lived in the obliviousness of me being the first Kira were the only moments I really lived. I lived for something, to serve an ideal of justice, and I understood that killing will never be the solution to purify this world. Because nothing will ever change. And I became aware that a heart could also feel, not only beating absent-mindedly in my chest. I felt for you… I feel for you and it tears me apart. I am on the ground and I cry. I am dying and Kira is howling in defeat. I feel your presence. You are sad, but smiling also. I will soon be freed from Kira. Free to love you, wholly. Even if I am dying, I don't care. Nothing is important anymore. Death is near and I see you… I extend my hand… guided by the memories I have. I let them flow toward you, for you to see. Tears streaking my cheeks with their salty comfort…

_All of my memories…_

Everything goes black as I feel your ghostly hand brushing against mine. Your soul and mine connect to never be separated. All of my memories kept you near, all this time. And now, we both are memories.

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Note : the lyric are NOT mine - much to my despair. Here it is :

song title . Memories / artist : Within Temptation / album : The Silent Force

I loooove it !!!

Thanks for reading so far : now, please press the little thingy 'Go' ... And leave you email address if you are not logged in - and if you want an answer of course - so that i can answer you personnally.


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